Getting Help?

I always feel like a guilty child when therapists ask me what I am really thinking or if I have been feeling particularly dark lately. My voice goes quiet and I feel the words slip out of my mouth carefully. I want help so I do not lie. I don’t always tell the truth though. I omit words because I am afraid of the power they have.

I worry that my brain is so used to seeing things negatively that it is sort of stuck in a loop. Maybe every time something bad happens it reinforces this loop and it gets harder for me to recover.

I don’t really know what I expect any of the psychologists/psychiatrists I see to do. I want them to hear what I am saying, not be concerned and have a clear and easy remedy for what I am experiencing. Instead the psychiatrists get out prescription pads and the psychologists aren’t easy enough to access (I cannot afford to see private psychologists regularly and it’s hard to get appointments with public psychologists, especially if you aren’t in a “crisis”).

I know what doesn’t help me:

  • Being sent to hospital against my will.
  • Being forced into being around people.
  • Most of my medications.
  • Being put back on benzos and now having to try to stop taking them.
  • Being told I should be grateful for having a supportive family, a roof over my head and so on. (I am grateful but I don’t need someone telling me I shouldn’t feel like I do because of all of these things.)

I wish someone could work out what will help me. That sounds really lazy, like I don’t want to do any of the hard work myself but I have been trying so many different things for such a long time, I am ready for someone else to take over.


7 thoughts on “Getting Help?

  1. You shouldn’t have to do it alone. Finding the right person to help can be difficult. It took me years to find a therapist who was the right mixture of calling me on my shit and support. Don’t settle for what doesn’t work. If you can honestly say that you have given someone’s approach a fair try and it didn’t work for you, it may be time to move on.

    It was a lot of hard work recovering from BPD. Still, no amount of hard work will help if you aren’t doing what works for you. If you have a willingness to do the right kind of work you will get better.

    • Thank you so much for your comment. I am in the process of stopping seeing one of my therapists because she doesn’t seem to be helping at all. So you’re right, it is time to move on.
      I’ve seen so many different therapists and I’ve done so many groups so sometimes I do feel pretty hopeless but something has to work eventually, right? All the best to you 🙂

  2. BPD is hard. You need a therapist that has experience in therapies that are targeted for this. There are a few different therapies, with a similar base, and they are all very successful.

    Group therapy, again, targeted for BPD is very hard, the social aspects are uncomfortable, but again, if run correctly the benefits are enormous. A total package, of group and individual therapy has the best impact.

    Don’t give up.

  3. DBT, CBT, psychology, meds… as I was part of the so-called services that provided these things I should perhaps be saying all the things I used to say when I believed that they worked. (Quick disclaimer – they all have their uses/applications/benefits, I continue to take my chemical cocktail as prescribed) I didn’t have much luck when I ‘became ill’ with psychology or psychiatry and have responded “sub-optimally” to meds – because I refuse to let them switch me to other meds that will take me time to get used to and may make me gain weight – that would just make me feel worse! No, I think back to things I would say to clients who would call when I worked in CRHT (crisis resolution home treatment team), most of the time I would listen and suggest distractions – cop-out eh? So I can’t benefit from this service, as I know what the person will say on the other end, and I’m not at risk to myself or others, so what can they do?
    That sounds negative, I know, but it has the flip-side. I know that if I can just steer myself towards some easy distraction (usually housework) that the ‘episode’ will abate and become manageable, I just have to change gear/focus. Feelings/emotions/moods are as changeable as the British weather and nothing lasts forever.

    • Distraction is really good. I tend to agree with you about a lot of the therapies out there. They have some benefits but they are hard to stick to and to use when needed. I feel the same about meds and weight gain. I am not happy on this current cocktail but I don’t want to go on something that will make me gain weight. I work really hard to keep the weight off.

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