I always feel like a guilty child when therapists ask me what I am really thinking or if I have been feeling particularly dark lately. My voice goes quiet and I feel the words slip out of my mouth carefully. I want help so I do not lie. I don’t always tell the truth though. I omit words because I am afraid of the power they have.
I worry that my brain is so used to seeing things negatively that it is sort of stuck in a loop. Maybe every time something bad happens it reinforces this loop and it gets harder for me to recover.
I don’t really know what I expect any of the psychologists/psychiatrists I see to do. I want them to hear what I am saying, not be concerned and have a clear and easy remedy for what I am experiencing. Instead the psychiatrists get out prescription pads and the psychologists aren’t easy enough to access (I cannot afford to see private psychologists regularly and it’s hard to get appointments with public psychologists, especially if you aren’t in a “crisis”).
I know what doesn’t help me:
- Being sent to hospital against my will.
- Being forced into being around people.
- Most of my medications.
- Being put back on benzos and now having to try to stop taking them.
- Being told I should be grateful for having a supportive family, a roof over my head and so on. (I am grateful but I don’t need someone telling me I shouldn’t feel like I do because of all of these things.)
I wish someone could work out what will help me. That sounds really lazy, like I don’t want to do any of the hard work myself but I have been trying so many different things for such a long time, I am ready for someone else to take over.