I get it

I just don’t fully believe it.

We put forth arguments to challenge these ingrown negative thoughts and core beliefs.

I can even help see the other side.

I just can’t believe it. There’s a part of me which refuses to believe the positives.

Just like I don’t believe I’ll ever sprout wings and fly or that I’ll wake up one day as a mermaid. I don’t believe the positive things other people (and myself at times) have to say about who I am and about my life.

When I was on a different medication cocktail I used to have moments where I thought I was special, rich, entitled to special treatment and capable of doing anything. I’d go out and spend all of my money, I had some insane connections with people and this strange self-confidence. These moments never lasted very long, they were just bursts of mania. I don’t have bipolar one and I’m fairly sure I don’t have a bipolar two. It may have just been a combination of impulsive borderline behaviour and a lesser degree of my anxiety disorders. I still sometimes get dysphoric mania from time to time.

I really appreciate the people around me trying to challenge my thinking and I see their point of view, I even agree with them sometimes but still there will always be this part of me which cannot agree. It’s like these core beliefs are tattooed to my mind.

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14 thoughts on “I get it

  1. Some days, logic and reason just don’t apply. And, no offense, who is in any position to say anything about who you are – who are they? Human and fallible, with noble intentions and basic drives. To define is to limit, I think… 😉

  2. Wonderful piece. The moment I get into letting my thinking lead me out of the place I am in, I am doomed. Because it lives in duality. In duality, my “demon” rules because he has had so long to wear and war on me, my pure loving essence. What I am hopefully learning is that the intuitive is the best way to move. Notice I didnt say get better.

    • Thank you for the comment and the powerful words. I like how you said move instead of getting better. That’s what life feels like, constantly dodging or hiding from our “demons”.
      I try to trust my intuition when I can too.

  3. I was sort of leaning toward bpd when I read the first posts. to diagnose from such limited information though or ask is something I won’t do. Did they indicate how many of the traits you may suffer with?

    yes, anxiety is terrible. It rules you, not unlike depression can, but in a more tormenting way. With depression you may hide in the house, perhaps not feel like doing anything.. but with anxiety there is no comfort, no hiding.

    You can work on anxiety yourself though. very slow and careful steps.

    • That’s exactly what scares me about anxiety, I can’t hide from it, it comes from within. At it’s worst there is absolutely no comfort in my life, I cannot relax and it makes my depression worsen because I think it wont ever go away.
      I was a “fairly typical” borderline person when I was younger, the usual self-destructive, manipulative sort of behaviour. I’m not sure how borderline I am now, I tell professionals that I am not very borderline but I still see aspects of it in the way I treat myself or the way I treat others.

      • CBT can be effective for anxiety, this is where I think you need to start, to work on everything at once is hard, to help reduce what ever torments you the most is the best first step.

        again, too, this is something you can do yourself, tis tougher, but so are you right?

        You have learned the muscle relaxing and the deep breathing exercises?

      • Sometimes I am tough. I’ve always been sort of forced to do muscle relaxation/deep breathing in hospital or groups but I cannot relax around people and found those exercises scary and not relaxing at all. I think I need to try them alone, which is scary too because I hate silence, stillness and I am scared of what thoughts might pop into my head. I have started sitting for very short periods of time and counting my breath like- in, 2, 3, 4, out, 2, 3, 4.

      • that breathing can be calming. You can look at the two links, they are very good, The exercises being a part of the relaxing and part of the CBT.

        you can do them with some music playing, or the TV yelling at you. 😉

        time for a nap for me, silly time zone changes. lol.

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