I appear to function fairly “normally” when I take certain meds and by “normally” I mean in a more socially acceptable way but by no means like a “regular” person.

Here comes the negative talk.

I’m a cheater, I am a total fraud. People think I am doing so much better but take away my cover (benzos) and I am worse than I was before my last hospital admission.

I’m actually really scared because I exist in two realities. In the first I really want to get better and to be able to go out into the world benzo-free but in the other reality I just want to kill my anxiety in the quickest way possible.

It’s been a long battle so far, I am worn out again.

Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with GAD, Social Phobia, OCD or panic disorder? Any suggestions for depression treatment? I’ve tried almost all of the antidepressants out there and although it’s been recommended, I still don’t want to try ECT. I’ve been in therapy for half of my life.

I feel awful and completely fake. I don’t ever want to go back to hospital but if things continue as they are, I might not have a choice.


7 thoughts on “Cheater

  1. Hi there, if you’d like a suggestion for ‘treatment’ I’d like to volunteer a perspective change instead. I speak as an ex-psych nurse with personal experience of depression with anxiety. I’m on meds for mood and sleep, but I have discovered Philosophy – please don’t run! This book in particular blew me away – The Consolations of Philosophy, Alain de Botton. I have a more relaxed outlook since reading it and am thinking about questions, rather than being fed answers by people who are no wiser than me.

    Oh, and you’re human, not a cheater. We all are.

    Best wishes.

    • Hi Jenny,
      Thank you so much for your reply. I am very open to trying anything and philosophy is interesting so I will have to check out that book. I am glad it helped you. Thanks also for saying I am not a cheater, that’s nice of you.

  2. I’m finding your blog refreshingly honest. Ive spent my life listening to people, and have recently realized the only people i like to share my time with, are the people who consider themselves less than others is any social or mental way.
    Keeping in mind your body has assembled itself from little more than dust atoms, to be something that thinks and feels and questions is wonderful enough in itself. I think your on the right track, however far down it you feel you are.
    Id love to hear more from you

    Regards – Mike

  3. ok.. ECT is scary it can help with depression though if meds are not working for you.

    as for anxiety, OCD, Panic disorder.. Therapy can help, but you are in therapy of some sort. Is it structured? I think from our first comments together, perhaps this is an issue, maybe not.

    So CBT is the therapy of choice. For depression too.

    so another question.. are you annoyed with me yet? that is not the question.. how long have you been fighting this, and how long in therapy?

    eeps three questions.

    you are not a fake, hiding is a normal reaction. There is a stigma attached, you don’t want to be different or to have to explain all the time. You want to feel better.


    • Exactly, I just want to feel better. I agree with you that CBT is the right therapy. It’s what I did in hospital and I found it easy to understand, although harder to actually use.
      I am not really in any sort of structured therapy. I see a psychiatrist fairly regularly but she doesn’t do therapy. I just talk and she writes prescriptions. The psychologist I was seeing doesn’t appear to be trained in CBT and even said I could probably teach her more than she could teach me. I see a case-worker, who is great but is mainly there in times of crisis. Because I am under the care of the local mental health centre, I have to see a psychiatrist there every now and then but again, it’s not therapy and he barely knows me. I do a group therapy, which is good exposure but I have to medicate myself heavily and as a result I forget a lot of what we learn.
      I have always been anxious and possibly always depressed but things have worsened over time. I started therapy really young and have been in therapy on and off for around ten years.I don’t know what sort of therapy I started with, I was just sent to a psychologist because I was shy, unhappy and I guess “different” from everyone else.
      *hugs back*
      PS- No I am not annoyed with you, I really appreciate your comments, questions and advice 🙂

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