Control Freak

I am ruled by rituals and worry. I know none of this serves me well and when things fuck up anyway, as they usually do, I wonder why I bother letting anxiety rule so much of my life. Then my anxious mind justifies what I have to do- maybe if I didn’t worry or do things a specific way then something even worse could happen. If I expect the worst I am sort of mentally prepared but emotionally I am still thrown by the circumstances and then the depression kicks in.

This existence is torturing me. I spend very little time doing what needs to be done, I am always thinking ahead or focussing on too many tasks at once. Keeping still and silent is impossible. If I wasn’t so heavily medicated I wouldn’t be able to sleep because my thoughts attack me in the silence and my legs refuse to keep still. Sometimes even with medication, I thrash about in bed because it’s the only way for some of my nervous energy to escape.

Before I am at my worst I tend to believe I have been possessed. I suppose I think that some sort of external force or malicious energy has corrupted me. I understand anxiety well when I can see it outside of my own body. The next stage of thinking is where I believe that my anxious/depressed/messed up self is my true personality emerging and I worry that I will never be able to escape it.

On a day like today I move around often but do very little. I cannot focus on anything for too long. I feel shit because I haven’t done anything I set out to do and I feel relieved because I have avoided the outside world.

Today I haven’t taken any Valium or Xanax. I try to avoid both of these when I am at home. As this is one of my benzo-free days, my mood is quite low. I don’t know if I am experiencing withdrawal symptoms on these days or if I just notice my low mood more because it isn’t masked by benzos.

I hate everything today and everything is annoying me.

I still haven’t really decided what this blog will be about, for now it’s just a mad girl’s venting space; a tiny intrusion on the internet.

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8 thoughts on “Control Freak

    • I take two antidepressants, one antipsychotic, a betablocker and a sleeping tablet daily. I take Valium and Xanax as needed, which is pretty much any time I leave my house, except if I am just going somewhere within a close walking distance.

    • One of my antideps helps me get to sleep (along with a sleeping tablet!) but doesn’t do much for my mood. The other doesn’t appear to do anything except for some reason it makes me slightly less jittery. Or it did in the beginning, now I am not so sure. My anti-psychotic is Seroquel. You’re not nosy, just curious 🙂

  1. Seroquel is used as a sleep aid as well, do you find it hard to wake up in the morning?

    putting things together more, because Seroquel makes waking up a bit harder, it may be contributing to your sleep paralysis. Sleep paralysis is caused from waking from REM sleep when the body is paralyzed, as you said in a post. Normally we transition out of that stage and wake normally. If you have a night mare and wake from rem sleep suddenly, perhaps the Seroquel is not allowing you to wake up quickly, hence the paralysis.

    just to connect the dots for you. 🙂

    • I think you could be right. Yes, Seroquel leaves me sort of hungover and I find it hard to wake up, this carries on into the day because I have to take it morning and night. I really look forward to the day when I don’t have to take medication like Seroquel.

      • I haven’t tried Abilify. I tried Zyprexa and it made me hyper-stimulated. I could not keep still for a second and had to take myself on really long walks to try to burn off some energy. This was before my anxiety was as bad as it is these days. The problem with most anti-psychotics is they can lead to weight gain. I have to be so careful about what I eat on Seroquel and I am scared to gain weight. I will talk to my doc about Abilify when I see her next, thanks for the tip.

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