I am ruled by rituals and worry. I know none of this serves me well and when things fuck up anyway, as they usually do, I wonder why I bother letting anxiety rule so much of my life. Then my anxious mind justifies what I have to do- maybe if I didn’t worry or do things a specific way then something even worse could happen. If I expect the worst I am sort of mentally prepared but emotionally I am still thrown by the circumstances and then the depression kicks in.
This existence is torturing me. I spend very little time doing what needs to be done, I am always thinking ahead or focussing on too many tasks at once. Keeping still and silent is impossible. If I wasn’t so heavily medicated I wouldn’t be able to sleep because my thoughts attack me in the silence and my legs refuse to keep still. Sometimes even with medication, I thrash about in bed because it’s the only way for some of my nervous energy to escape.
Before I am at my worst I tend to believe I have been possessed. I suppose I think that some sort of external force or malicious energy has corrupted me. I understand anxiety well when I can see it outside of my own body. The next stage of thinking is where I believe that my anxious/depressed/messed up self is my true personality emerging and I worry that I will never be able to escape it.
On a day like today I move around often but do very little. I cannot focus on anything for too long. I feel shit because I haven’t done anything I set out to do and I feel relieved because I have avoided the outside world.
Today I haven’t taken any Valium or Xanax. I try to avoid both of these when I am at home. As this is one of my benzo-free days, my mood is quite low. I don’t know if I am experiencing withdrawal symptoms on these days or if I just notice my low mood more because it isn’t masked by benzos.
I hate everything today and everything is annoying me.
I still haven’t really decided what this blog will be about, for now it’s just a mad girl’s venting space; a tiny intrusion on the internet.