Someone recently told me to have some fun and of course I replied with, “I’ll try!” but I was sitting with a deep truth: I don’t know how to have fun anymore. I know activities which used to be fun and I try to do them but everything feels the same. Washing dishes, watching a movie, going shopping… They’re all just activities to fill in time between sleep.
Everything I do is an occupation. I keep myself busy with activities but nothing really brings me joy. Sometimes there is satisfaction if I do something well and I suppose that’s the closest I get to positivity.
It doesn’t help that I have no one to attempt to have fun with. “I’m always here” has turned into “I’m always here but I have no intention of being there with you nor of having you here with me”.
I go out and I do different things because that’s what I am supposed to do. I can’t complain about not experiencing fun things if I don’t attempt to have fun but I always wind up in the same place: stepping carefully, trying to see what everyone else is seeing and desperately trying to feel what they feel.